Life out of Focus

I blog. It’s what I do when I’m happy, or sad, or anxious. Y’all know this. I blog all my emotions. Right now, my heart is breaking. I told y’all to pray for Layla Grace a few weeks ago. Today, she went to be with Jesus. I know she is no longer hurting and has no more pain.

But I know her family is in dire pain. They are hurting. They will miss their baby.

As I sit here at my desk stuck at work, my heart breaks. I want nothing more than to go home and be with my babies. To kiss them and cuddle them and tell them I love them. It doesn’t seem fair that we can’t instantly just leave our jobs when something like this happens. Why aren’t there ” I need to go home and see my kids” hours like there are sick or vacation hours? There needs to be.

Please pray for the Marsh family. They will need it. I can’t imagine having to bury my child.

Layla Grace, may you enjoy playing with the angels. I never met you. I never held you. And yet, in my mind, I did both those things. I don’t know how it’s possible to love someone you’ve never met or talked to…and yet I do. Rest in peace sweet baby girl.

(taken from Layla’s Flickr Page)

I told y’all yesterday that Livie took a few steps this weekend. The quality of the picture I took of her standing alone sucked but thanks to Hubs’ thinking quickly, we have 2 videos of our baby getting up off the floor on her own and another one of her taking steps to her big sister. These videos melt my heart for 2 reasons.

1. The obvious that hello, she’s getting bigger and I predict full walkage by next week. She continued to take steps all evening last night.

2. She’s walking to Hannah. She loves Hannah so much, even if they nitpick with eachother now and then. The bond they share as sisters melts my heart and turns me to mush because I’m not close to either one of my sisters. It’s nice to see.

These were taken with Hubs phone so the quality sucks but SHE’S ALMOST WALKING!

Now I wish someone would just make me shut up when I’m in a video. Seriously. Anytime I hear my ridiculous baby talk voice it just kills me. I was annoyed at myself watching Hannah’s baby videos a few weeks ago and apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. MAJOR note to self: DO NOT TALK IN VIDEOS!

At this rate, I’ll be chasing after her in no time.

Hold me.

As you all know, Hannah had her first dance competition of the season this weekend. It was her first time to perform a solo on stage. Like ever. IN HER LIFE. It was huge for me. I think it was probably bigger for me than for her. She was cool and calm Saturday morning and it totally did not phase her that she was going to be dancing alone on the stage in front of a lot of people. And judges. JUDGES. People who are judging what you’re doing. That was MAJOR pressure for me. Apparently NOT for her. So, the morning began with getting her ready to do this solo. She was all smiles. So was her doll, Chloe, in her matching warm ups. Yes I had those made. Y’all know me. This should not shock you.

So then came the dance. I sent her backstage with her teacher and went to watch in the audience. They hired a professional photographer to take photos of this. I’m totally ok with this and having to pay for the photos because there was no way I would have been able to take my own anyway. MAJOR ANXIETY. She walked out on that stage and did her thing. She did me SO proud.

So after she finished I ran back to greet her backstage. She came running up to me and threw her arms around me and I hugged her and wiped tears away from my eyes and told her how proud I was of her while she said over and over again “I DID IT! I DID IT MAMA!” It was such an amazing moment. Then she said “Mom, I saw one of the judges nodding yes at me when I was dancing like I was doing good.” I know that just did it for her. What else did it for her?

She had another dance after her solo- her group dance to Charlie and the Chocolate factory.

I didn’t buy any photos from this dance though. I will at the next competition. Btw, W for Wonka. How cute is that?

And so after the high of all that, we got home and relaxed Saturday. Yesterday afternoon Livie decided that she was tired of not being in the spotlight and decided to take 2 steps for us. And also decided that she didn’t need to pull up anymore and figured it’s probably easier to just stand up right from the floor. I did get a picture of this but it’s so crappy since it was taken with my phone in the dark but suffice to say, it was magical.

My children brought me so much joy this weekend. A lot of people think that kids can’t live without their parents. Well, I can’t live without my kids.

I’ve never actually taken any kind of prescription Calgon take me away drugs. I will say though that Hubs says I need to be on anxiety meds. This shocks me because he usually isn’t the type to take anything and he usually thinks I exaggerate my emotions and that I’m in control of my feelings and meds won’t change that. I tend to agree with him though…that I need some drugs. I don’t think I need it on a daily basis but I think I need it for when things are just piling up. I need a “chill me the fuck out” pill. Xanax is that kinda pill, right? Just takes the edge off? Well anyway, I’m digressing.

Hannah’s first dance competition of the season is tomorrow. This means that this will be the first time ever in her life to be on the stage BY HERSELF because she’s doing a solo this year. Last year her competition dance was a group dance- a production of The Wizard of Oz. I’ll refresh your memory if you were here last year for my dance freak outs…and if not, well here’s what it looked like.

This year she’s doing the group production again. They’re doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I gotta say that the costumes and everything are just better this year. I’m super excited for that and not nervous at all…FOR THAT. For her solo…I’m freaking out. FREAKING THE FUCKITY FUCK OUT. I’m saying fuck a lot because really, no other word can encompass my feelings right now. Last week she had her private lesson for her solo like she does every week except this time she was in costume. That in itself made my stomach churn and I got nauseous and my heart raced. Just thinking about her being on the stage alone was killing me. I know she’ll do great. She loves the stage. She’s not shy. She’s always been a ham. At her recital at 3 years old she stayed on the stage longer than the rest of the girls to wave to the crowd. That’s just who she is.

That being said, I’m still freaked for tomorrow morning.

 I think tomorrow morning when she gets on stage I need to sit by myself and watch quietly and pray for the best.

I promise I won’t say “fuck” either when I’m praying.

Amen.

I know this is hard to believe but both my girls became break dancers at an early age.

Exhibit A: Hannah at 12 months old. This video is kinda sucky because it’s a video of a video. Hubs’ mom took it at Livie’s 1st birthday party. I brought the old video camera over to remind them how Hannah used to break dance because Livie YES LIVIE!!!! has started to do it too! It’s about a minute long but you can see Hannah on the tv breakdancing, me in all my fatness sitting next to the tv, and Livie on the floor next to the tv break dancing too.

Exhibit B: Livie break dancing this past weekend. Video taken on Hubs’ step sister’s iphone.

So, really, this is crazy. No one taught my girls how to do this. They both started doing it on their own around 10 or 11 months old and ran with it. Then one day Hannah stopped. I’m sure Livie will too.

Also, I’m mostly sure this break dancing gene comes from me. I never break danced but I DO dance better than Hubs. You know, because he can’t dance AT ALL. And I can shake my ass like there’s no tomorrow.