It was coincidence I’m sure but both my girls decided to do things like their mama yesterday. Hannah put on my heels and pranced around like I apparently do…at least in her eyes.

Even pretending that Liv was her daughter.

Of course that lasted about 2 seconds and then Livie ran off because she decided last night was a not-like-your-sister night.

And Livie had her own way of pretending to be me. She went grocery shopping.

She also was into things she wasn’t supposed to be into, per usual. This time I caught her in the Tupperware cabinet.

Busted

I once again need these pictures because the kind of sleep I got last night due to Livie’s still HORRIBLE sleeping habits and the fact that the next few weeks at work are gonna be rough…well I need a pick me up in the worst way. So my girls are my pick me up for today. And tomorrow the Halloween in July party that I’m going to will be my pick me up. And Sunday I’m determined to take the girls out to a park or some outdoor location and take some pictures of them and THAT will be my pick me up. I have things all around me that pick me up when I’m down and I know that they’re constants in this life of mine. The constants that MAKE my life no matter what else may come our way.

Hannah asked me the other day why I take so many pictures of her and the baby and I told her that I needed them to look at when I was at work all day long. She asked me if it was because I missed them and I said yes, all day. I miss them all day.

“Do you cry when you see us?”

“Sometimes but usually I just smile and can’t wait to get home.”

I have over 3,000 pictures of Hannah in my Flickr. I started my Flickr account when Hannah was 3 so in 4.5 years I’ve taken that many photos of her. I have over 1,500 pictures of Livie since the day she was born. Almost everyday I go back and look at old pictures of them and yes, usually smile but sometimes cry because I’d love nothing more than to NOT be at work and instead be home with them. And yes, it’s also true that I AM craving a break from being a mommy right now. Life has become a bit overwhelming and The Man and I have a trip coming up in a couple weeks to see our friends we haven’t seen in 2 years. I’m very excited about this trip and looking forward to a break from my life here…including the girls. I can’t even type that without feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. But it’s the truth and I’ve never been in the business of lying on my blog. I try to lay it all out there because this is me and my space and I have to believe that there’s someone out there who feels the same way I do and I want them to know that it’s ok to feel that way. I love my girls and everyday I get off work and rush home to see them. With that said, I do need a break. I need to miss them for a few days. I need to sleep in and relax and laugh and talk about grown up things instead of what Miranda Cosgrove or Selena Gomez are up to.

I wasn’t planning on blogging today but after getting here and thinking about the week ahead at work and feeling down I had to look at old pictures to pick me back up. I found some that I’ve never posted here and yet I love them and I can’t remember why they didn’t go up to begin with.

I kind of miss her hair. She doesn’t and it IS so much easier to handle now that it’s short but man…if I took the time to straighten it it always looked so pretty.

And this girl…she LOVES books so when we went to Ohio a few weeks ago she went crazy seeing The Man’s grandma’s book shelf.

So today is old picture day for me. And I’m swimming in them.

My day at work yesterday was less than awesome. Let’s just say that after an hour of crying after being bombarded with some not so exciting news, I had a hard time recovering. I’m still bummed today but trying to find the silver linings in an otherwise uncontrolable situation. So I went home yesterday and started dinner like always. I knew I had to take pictures but I just didn’t have it in me to get my camera together. I knew once I snapped a few I’d feel so much better but the thought of looking through my lens through glassy eyes and seeing something beautiful wasn’t something I was ready for. I wanted to sulk and hang my head. Luckily my girls made that impossible for me.

I turned around from the stove and saw Livie walking around like this. She put that hat on all by herself and was walking around singing with her musical teapot.

At that point I surrendered and said to myself “Ok God. I get it. There’s plenty to smile about and hanging my head all evening after not seeing my girls all day is just NOT ok.” So I changed my attitude. I once again let my girls heal me.

And Hannah, my big girl. I can’t tell you enough what an amazing little person she is. She talked my ear off all the way home from Nana’s house and I don’t know if she knew, but I needed that distraction. And when I came down from putting Livie to bed and saw my big girl watching the TV that she turned on by herself and eating the Lunchable that she opened up by herself…well, I was proud.

And grateful that she’s so grown up and when her mother is having a slight meltdown of a night, she pulls her own weight and takes a bath without me asking her to and works the TV alone and gets her own snack. I needed that because my head was just not in the game last night. I really don’t know how I would make it through sad or hard times without them.

Friday evening I went home with a completely bummed outlook on life. I was still thinking about my dad and even though I told myself that Dad wouldn’t want me to bum around or sulk, I just couldn’t shake it. So I did what I normally do when I feel that way. I took pictures of my girls. And it’s like they knew that their mama needed to be lifted up because everything they did was so cute and whenever I need to focus or redirect I just have to look through my lens. A different view on what’s already in front of me.

Livie has this tendency to get into EVERYTHING she’s not supposed to get into. Usually I’m chasing after her telling her no but that night I decided I’d get it documented to show her that she really was quite a little spazz.

Trying to steal the remote.

Trying to reach my purse

ALMOST getting my purse which by the way I only noticed while I was editing because my focus was on Hannah in HER own purse and then I saw Livie’s little hand on the bottom of the frame. Stinker.

And while I worked out Livie got super antsy and crabby and Hannah decided to step in and be a mama to her. So in the middle of my work out I just walked away and got a picture because I couldn’t let the moment go by.

So that was my Friday and by the end of the night I was feeling ok again. My girls, once again, healed me.

And since I mentioned working out, I will say that I’ve officially lost 15 pounds so far. I’m halfway to my goal weight and I feel great.

Saturday morning I woke up and forgot it was my birthday for about 5 minutes. We just laid in bed and talked to Livie and groaned that it was too early to be up like we do every Saturday. And like every other Saturday I grabbed my phone off the dresser and checked my email. I had 27 unread emails and I thought to myself “What the heck? How do I have that many unreads?” and once I opened up my email and saw they were all Facebook messages alerting me that my friends and family were leaving me birthday messages…that’s when I said out loud “Oh yeah! It’s my birthday!” I got over 50 happy birthday messages on Facebook and about 20 on Twitter. I can’t stress enough the good those did me. The Man worked all day Saturday and I ran errands and fought with the girls who didn’t want to behave AT ALL while we were in stores. It was hot and I was sweaty going in and out of places and I finally called The Man at work with an exhausted sigh and whined that my day went from fabulous to sucking. Then he said he was coming home in an hour and that perked me up. We had plans to go to dinner and a movie later on so I put my best face on and headed home from the parking lot of Target where I had a minor breakdown. And like the night before, I took picture because I needed a pick me up. And it worked.

Dinner was good. The movie, Inception, was great. And yesterday we slept in because the girls were gone and ran more errands and relaxed before our family pictures in the evening. Hannah wouldn’t let me get a picture of her all dressed up but the baby did, per usual.

I can’t wait to get these pictures back. Livie was a mess and did not cooperate at all and it was 95 degrees and my hair was huge and frizzy and we were sweaty BUT I still think they’re gonna be awesome. I can’t wait to see them. And on our way home from the session I was thankful that I had the opportunity to get the camera that I always wanted with the lens I always wanted to get good pictures of my girls on my own because there are times, like at that session, where Livie won’t smile and Hannah complains about the mosquitos while sweat is dripping down her nose. It’s then that I’m glad I get good shots at home because my baby girl usually is all smiles.

And all of this, everything I put up in this post, healed me. And I know that is something my dad would be happy about.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I won’t be blogging tomorrow. I usually do blog on my birthday but I think this year I’m gonna take a break from it. Every year for the past 3 years my birthday has been bittersweet. I’ve always loved my birthday. I think celebrating birthdays is so awesome. A lot of people don’t like to make big deals out of their birthdays and I’ve never been able to understand that. You should celebrate. It’s another year you’ve been alive and another year you’ve added to your story. It’s not always been an easy life for me and yet, each year, I was always excited for my birthday. 3 years ago I was excited for it too. Except that when I woke up that morning, I had no idea that 3 hours later I would get a phone call that my dad had died suddenly in surgery. It was such a blow and I was in denial about it for weeks. I drove home to Ohio. I went to his funeral. I buried my dad. Then I got angry for a while thinking about everything I missed out on because of his mistakes. Then I got sad. And I blogged this on his birthday a few months ago. And since then I’ve dreaded tomorrow. Except I was fine all week long. I was actually excited for my birthday. My girls were being so cute at home…being so sweet to eachother and making me feel so full of love…full of life.

I got to work this morning and the girls at work “decorated” for my big day, Justin  Bieber style. Total gag as I don’t like Justin Bieber. I mean, I don’t NOT like him but I’m not a crazed fan or anything like they portrayed me to be.

So I laughed and cut up and got excited again for tomorrow.

Until I opened up this blog to start writing. I planned on writing about how sweet Hannah was to let Livie lay on her and fall asleep and how sweet Livie was to even WANT to go cuddle with Hannah. Hannah was so proud and told me she’d get her to sleep every night if Livie would let her. I sat here and planned to focus on that so I wouldn’t have to think about what I’ve not thought about all week…..

My dad.

But I couldn’t help it. I sat here staring at the screen and thinking about my dad. I read this post and teared up. So I began my yearly tradition since he died of finding pictures to post here and then I got upset again because I have like 5. I know I have some from when I was a kid but recent ones since my wedding…5. That makes me wanna curl up in a ball and cry all day long. I’m so mad at myself for not realizing sooner that he was sick and while he chose drinking, he didn’t choose to hurt me the way he did. He tried…REALLY tried with me and I turned him away. I wrote long letters to him telling him he was a horrible dad. I was mean to him when he called me and told him to quit drinking if he wanted to talk to me. Now he’s gone and I’m left feeling this with no dad to say sorry to. GOSH. I hate this all. The yearly repetition of feeling this way. And I feel like it’s going to get worse before it gets better…before I feel at peace about it.

So, yes, tomorrow is my birthday. And I’ll celebrate with my family because they love me and I’m grateful for another year here on this earth. But at night, when it’s just me and my thoughts, I’ll cry. Because I miss my dad.

And he doesn’t know.