Well, the healing I was so craving for the weekend didn’t exactly take place. Things with Hannah remained exactly the same. I’ve decided that I need to just really pray about this and continue to seek guidance from people who have been there/done that as far as motherhood is concerned because it’s quite apparent that whatever ideas I have suck. HAH. I’m trying to make light of this because I’m mentally exhausted. It’s now come down to pulling Hannah from dance because I pay A LOT for her to have this hobby that she used to love. Keyword being USED. I fought her a lot last year and I just decided that lately with her attitude and issues that if she’s going to be ungrateful and NOT even want to dance…why bother?! You know? I paid for September so she’ll at least dance for this month. Then we’ll reevaluate. Her staying in dance is my dream…not hers. It’s hard for me to accept this. But I will. And so after a weekend of arguing over that and a few other routine things I got NO pictures of her. “Mom, don’t take ANY pictures of me. I’m not in the mood.”

Except for this tiny moment on Saturday. “MOM! Get a picture of me and Sassie!”

*sigh*

I know we will overcome this. We will get to the other side of this HUGE mountain sometime (soon I hope) and I’ll look back and be able to make a list of all the lessons we BOTH learned. I’m looking forward to that day.

And then Livie got sick. Her nose started running Saturday evening and by yesterday she had a full on, raging cold complete with lots of this

and only a few moments of this

So to sum this all up? I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. BUT I’m determined to change this. I’m determined to change my focus and instead of everything being out of focus right now…I’m gonna rotate my lens of life and get this thing in check. I don’t like a hazy view of my life. I don’t like this feeling of not knowing what the fuck I’m doing and wondering if my children are conspiring against me. They aren’t. And I’m not an idiot. I’m not a clueless moron attempting motherhood. I AM a good mom. I will prove this to my girls.

And to myself.

That’s my motto today as I sit here and think about the whirlwind dance competition weekend we had and how I took NO PICTURES. Not a one. Not any of her with her costumes on. None of her with her friends. Nothing. I took some of Hannah playing in the hotel room after the competition. That doesn’t count. I feel kinda crappy about this. I totally meant to take some pictures of her with her trophy and 2 medals she won. Also didn’t get to do that. I amaze myself. Truly. It’s just not like me. But OMG the competition was just crazy and hectic and PURE INSANITY. For like the first time ever it didn’t even cross my mind that maybe I should document it with pictures.

Don’t worry. I’m not losing it. I might have a few times over the weekend (hence the no pictures) but I’m the same me. So tonight I’m vowing to get a picture of her after her dance class with her trophy and medals. I have to. Y’all are just dying to see it anyway, right? HAH.

In other news, I was gone over night and when I got home yesterday afternoon Hubs informed me that Livie took more steps and was getting braver about walking while holding onto things all over the house. I leave for ONE FREAKIN NIGHT and the kid does something new. Hello Mommy Guilt. We’re old friends. Great to see you again, you whore. It’s like I can’t win. I spend one weekend with one kid, the other kid does something. I’m sure Hubs dealt with that as well as he missed all of Hannah’s dancing to be with our other kid. BALANCE. Grrr.

Like I said—WHORES. Balance and Mommy Guilt are big fat hairy whores.

So tomorrow, to help some of my guilt, pictures will be posted of The Trophy. And of The Medals. And Hannah doing silly things in our hotel room.

The end.

My mom doesn’t come up often here on my blog because she lives on the other side of the country and she’s not involved in my everyday life. She’s still in Ohio. I’m in Texas. I usually fly home once or twice a year but it’s NOT enough. I wish I could go home more. I miss my mom a lot when I don’t see her for long stretches. It’s been a year since I went home last. I’m going for Thanksgiving and I can’t wait.

My mom is probably the nicest person on Earth. She got married when she was 20 and had me at 23. 19 months later she had my sister and 5 years after that my baby sister came along. 3 girls. I’ve blogged a few times about my dad and his alcohol addiction. She ended up divorcing him because of it…a  move I favored because I was 15 at the time and sick of his games and drinking. I had had it. I WANTED them to get a divorce. I was happy when they did. My mom busted her ass for years. She was a nurse at a nursing home. She worked 8 hours a day on her feet…drove all over town to take all of us girls where we needed to be for sports or to see our friends. Since my dad’s addiction kept him from working, she was the sole provider for us 3 girls. The school district in Cleveland sucks so she had is all in private school from day 1 til we graduated high school. That’s 13 years for 3 kids. When I was 14 my mom was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis). That’s when her whole life flipped upside down. She didn’t talk much about it with us. I think she tried to be strong and shelter us. But I can only imagine how devastated and lost she was when she realized she had a non curable, debilitating disease while she’s the only one working and a house to pay for and 3 kids to support. I think about how I’d feel about that NOW and I have a great husband…it kills me. I don’t know how my mom did it. I honestly don’t. But she did. People donated money and time. Her father helped us financially when he could. Everyone pulled together for this great woman who was just trying to make it and do right by her kids. Me. Her child. In the past 14 years her disease has become very crippling. She’s been in a wheelchair for about 10 years. She’s not able to work. I moved away. One of my sisters isn’t around much to help her. The other one has a child and is pretty busy herself. It’s just not a good situation for her up there and yet she refuses to move closer to me. I’ve begged her. She’s said no a million times. So I’ve quit asking.

MS has robbed my mom of so much. And yet her faith in God is so strong. If you ask her, she will tell you that MS has been a blessing in disguise because she has gotten so much closer to God because of it and the disease has forced her to have more faith and read her Bible more. Talk about someone who always sees the silver lining.

I admire my mom so much. She’s someone I aspire to be like daily. She’s the epitome of class, strength, and love. 42 days until I see her. I can’t wait.

*I have a button on my sidebar for the MS society. Take time to check out their site and maybe even donate to help find a cure for my mom.

And why I don’t want to be.

We have cereal for dinner about once a week.

An assortment of McDonald’s and Kraft Mac and Cheese other nights.

Throw in some soup or fried rice and that’s our menu for the week.

I lose my temper with Nettie. I yell at her and have to apologize for it later.

I wash the colors and whites together.

All these things and many more are reasons I will never be THAT mom. The one that we’re all told we’re SUPPOSED to be. Well you know what? THAT mom can suck it. I need my wine at night. I need to yell at my kids. I need to vent on my blog. I need sanity. And this is how I get it. Nettie is slowly torturing me and I think she actually enjoys it. I find myself saying at least once a week that I don’t know how I’m going to raise her. Thank God I have Hubs and other family involved in this process because if I was doing it alone I fear she’d be worse. I spoil her. I make rules and once they’re broken, there is no punishment for it. I reward her with toys or treats even if she was mouthing off an hour before.

I SUCK AT THIS most times.

I know I’m doing something right though when it’s quiet at night and it’s just me and her in her bedroom. When I’m tucking her in at night and she tells me she loves me and thanks me for making her her favorite soup and letting her watch her favorite movie. When she hugs me and kisses me 3 times in a row and tells me she loves me. When she tells me she’s going to pray for me that God always helps me and protects me. When she tells me she loves her baby sister and is always going to look out for her. It’s those moments that tell me that somewhere along the line I’m doing something right. She may give me a run for my money, but she’s so sweet, so sincere. I could not be more grateful for the awesome world of blogging and twitter. I have met so many great moms who are like me…don’t have an f’ing clue what they’re doing either. And yet we all survive. We all make it.

Nettie is my 1st born so everything with her is a 1st. I’m learning as I go. I’m a young mom (had her at 21) so we’ve sorta grown up together. I’m rusty around the edges in dealing with 6 year old stuff. Now with Nimmie, I’m a pro because I’ve been there, done that. Nettie totally broke me in. When Nimmie is 6, I’ll be a pro with 6 year old stuff. But since Nettie is my 1st, the issues remain evident.

Our latest issue is her lying. The kid lies about everything. And it’s not like a cover up lie, although she does plenty of those. It’s lying just to lie! I don’t get this. I’ve been told it’s a phase and to not give extra attention to the lies because she’s lying FOR attention. But how can I NOT address them? They’re sometimes outrageous. For example, yesterday she told her teacher that her dad told her that if she did good in school for the day she didn’t have to go the next day. Obviously, I know Hubs did NOT tell her that. She’ll tell me things her teacher supposedly told her like “if you do well today you don’t have to work the rest of the week”. I know this isn’t true. I just don’t know how to address this. I don’t know where to go from here. I finally NICELY told her that I think she’s making up a lot of things that aren’t true and eventually we’re not going to believe her when she tells the truth. I haven’t used the boy who cried wolf story yet. Maybe it’s time to bust that one out.

So  between her kamikaze mission the other day in the car and this lying—I do believe I will be turning gray here shortly. My only hope is that Nimmie is the exact opposite when it comes to this stuff because I don’t think I can do this twice. If Nettie wasn’t SO sweet and SO empathetic and SO thoughtful most of the time I’m mostly certain that I would be borderline insane by now.

Just sayin.