If you’re a mom who works outside the home, you totally know how I’m feeling. It’s a constant battle for me- working full time, being gone 12 hours a day, and leaving my kids behind. Because that’s how it feels to me…that I’m leaving them behind. I know that I HAVE to work to have money to pay for the things that give them a decent life. I know that one day they’ll look back and appreciate it just as I appreciate how hard my mom worked to give us things. We barely saw her during the week but it was all for us. That’s how it is now with my kids but oh, does it hurt. I have family and friends that don’t work but their husbands have these big time supervisor jobs for oil companies and I secretly wish that Hubs would quit his current job and do something like that. Something that would allow me to stay home. He loves his job though and the last thing I would want is for him to be stuck working a lot at a job he hates. I hate working…but I don’t actually hate this job. It’s the fact that I have to leave my kids that kills me.

I took a day off in April to go on a field trip with Hannah. I did this because she asked me to.  What sucked was when she said to me “Don’t forget to ask your boss for permission ok?”

That stung.

The fact that I have to ask permission to be with my child. How is that fair? I mean, everyone who works has to ask for a day off. But still…chokes me up everytime to think that I have to ask to be with my kid if it’s a work day. It’s just not fair as so often many things in life aren’t.

So now I’m quite excited about this field trip. I’m excited that I get to go and be there for her since most days I can’t.

I was given this blog post to read yesterday and I cried through the whole thing. It gave me hope. It gave me some insight. Mostly, it reminded me of things I already knew. I’m not saying that I’ll ever get over this. I know myself and I know that I’ll always hate working all day and always hate the fact that I can’t be a stay at home mom. But to remember that there are other moms out there who are going through the same exact thing, well this is all for you.

For us.

My mom doesn’t come up often here on my blog because she lives on the other side of the country and she’s not involved in my everyday life. She’s still in Ohio. I’m in Texas. I usually fly home once or twice a year but it’s NOT enough. I wish I could go home more. I miss my mom a lot when I don’t see her for long stretches. It’s been a year since I went home last. I’m going for Thanksgiving and I can’t wait.

My mom is probably the nicest person on Earth. She got married when she was 20 and had me at 23. 19 months later she had my sister and 5 years after that my baby sister came along. 3 girls. I’ve blogged a few times about my dad and his alcohol addiction. She ended up divorcing him because of it…a  move I favored because I was 15 at the time and sick of his games and drinking. I had had it. I WANTED them to get a divorce. I was happy when they did. My mom busted her ass for years. She was a nurse at a nursing home. She worked 8 hours a day on her feet…drove all over town to take all of us girls where we needed to be for sports or to see our friends. Since my dad’s addiction kept him from working, she was the sole provider for us 3 girls. The school district in Cleveland sucks so she had is all in private school from day 1 til we graduated high school. That’s 13 years for 3 kids. When I was 14 my mom was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis). That’s when her whole life flipped upside down. She didn’t talk much about it with us. I think she tried to be strong and shelter us. But I can only imagine how devastated and lost she was when she realized she had a non curable, debilitating disease while she’s the only one working and a house to pay for and 3 kids to support. I think about how I’d feel about that NOW and I have a great husband…it kills me. I don’t know how my mom did it. I honestly don’t. But she did. People donated money and time. Her father helped us financially when he could. Everyone pulled together for this great woman who was just trying to make it and do right by her kids. Me. Her child. In the past 14 years her disease has become very crippling. She’s been in a wheelchair for about 10 years. She’s not able to work. I moved away. One of my sisters isn’t around much to help her. The other one has a child and is pretty busy herself. It’s just not a good situation for her up there and yet she refuses to move closer to me. I’ve begged her. She’s said no a million times. So I’ve quit asking.

MS has robbed my mom of so much. And yet her faith in God is so strong. If you ask her, she will tell you that MS has been a blessing in disguise because she has gotten so much closer to God because of it and the disease has forced her to have more faith and read her Bible more. Talk about someone who always sees the silver lining.

I admire my mom so much. She’s someone I aspire to be like daily. She’s the epitome of class, strength, and love. 42 days until I see her. I can’t wait.

*I have a button on my sidebar for the MS society. Take time to check out their site and maybe even donate to help find a cure for my mom.

last nite i talked to my mom for a while and somewhere in the convo i said something about making dinner and she kept saying that she can’t believe she has a daughter old enough to have a 4 year old and a husband and a house and *gasp* cooks too. and i laughed cuz i told her i’ve been this daughter since i was 20 years old…when i got married. its hard to NOT be when you’ve got a house and responsibilities. so i told her yep, i’m grown up mom.

so fast forward a few hours. me and Nettie are in bed.

me: aw netty i love you so muchher: i love you too.me: youre such a beautiful little womanher: *nods*me: youre my precious little babyher: and youre a grown up.

2 nites ago i picked up Nettie from my MIL and she had a pet frog my FIL helped her catch. and while i wasn’t jumping for joy about this i figured she could keep the frog til she went to bed and then she’d have to let it go. she of course argued with me and i dropped it cuz it wasn’t worth it then. so all evening long she played with that frog in the back yard. she would let it go and then recatch it and put it back in its little container. she was all about this frog. and finally i looked at Hubs and said ” man, i remember when i used to bring my mom home grasshoppers and crickets and caterpillars. how grossed out must she have been? sick! how was i ever like that?” but i was totally like that! i would dig for worms or catch bugs and get styrofoam cups from the cafeteria and put them in there with a saran wrap lid on top. and i’d bring it home to show my mom and she’d act all surprised and excited and let me be the pet’s mama for the day. but every morning when i woke up it was gone. and i’d study the container and try to figure out how the heck the bug got loose! and i’d ponder it for like 10 mins and then go about my day cuz i was like 8 or 9 and my attention span wasn’t what it is today. but it puzzled me everytime. so last nite when i’m talking about this with Hubs and i tell him “well we’re gonna have to let that frog go when she goes to bed. i can’t stand to let it die like that”…it hit me. MY MOM LET ALL MY BUGS GO! i never thought about it really since i was a kid. i eventually quit doing that and grew up. and throughout my teen years i never thought about it. i remembered that i caught all that stuff but i never thought about how they were all gone in the morning. it wasn’t til i was in the same situation as my mom with my OWN daughter that it clicked…my mom let all my bugs go. so i had to call her right away. sure enough, thats what she did. she said she’d wait til i was in bed and let them go cuz she couldn’t stand to let them die in captivity. she said she never knew that i was so confused in the morning about what happened to them. but how could i have known with my mom acting all noncholant about it back then also pondering how the heck it got free!!!! i told her its crazy how life repeats itself. that now i’m the mom and here i am with my daughter who’s like me…bringing me home little animals that i’m gonna have to set free after she goes to bed and then acting all shocked with Nettie when she realizes it “got out”. when i was a teenager i swore i’d never be like my mom. she did things i hated and i didn’t understand. back then that is. now not only do i understand why, but i do the same things. right down to letting Nettie’s little pets go. i have become my mom. and i’m glad.

my mom’s surgery is post poned til may 30th so she’ll be home for mother’s day at least! yay!