But not simply understood or accepted….Much love and thoughts and prayers and hugs to Heather and Mike today, tomorrow…this whole week. Thinking of you both lots.

But mostly, thinking of Maddie.

Today Maddie would have been 2 years old. My heart goes out to Heather and Mike everyday….but especially today. As a gift to her on her birthday, I’m sponsoring a NICU support pack. Even if we all just donate a little bit today—what a tremendous impact that will have.

Happy birthday Maddie. Won’t you be her friend?

I’ve blogged about this before, but my life changed after I learned about Maddie Spohr and read tons and tons of posts on Heather’s blog. Maddie’s story IS life changing. It SHOULD change your life. And really, anytime I hear about people who have lost their children it breaks my heart. It’s my empathy kicking in again. I know that hearing things like this makes anyone sad. But for me it’s something I think about every day. Everyday I hold my babies and I wonder what life would be like without them. I wonder how I’d go on after burying my babies. Or watching them suffer with illnesses. I know I shouldn’t think about these things but I can’t help it. I have a very vivid imagination and my mind wanders and I constantly think of what if’s. Those what if’s are what make me appreciate things so much more. Maddie left us 2 months after I had Livie. Here I was elbow deep in puke and poop and sleepless nights and wondering if I’d ever make it out alive. Then I heard about Maddie. I engulfed myself in Heather’s blog. Talk about feeling like such a total unappreciative asshole. I knew that Heather would give anything to be elbow deep in poop and deliriously tired. And since then I’ve tried to live differently. I’ve tried to appreciate the sleepless nights because that means that I have my baby with me still. I try to appreciate all the times I argue with Hannah or sit and do homework for what seems like hours because at least I have my baby here to do those things with. Sometimes it takes tragedies to make you realize what you have. It’s sad, but true. Heather posts pictures and video of Maddie often. In fact she did today from when they took Maddie to the pumpkin patch last year. I’m already a camera whore. Y’all know this. Livie’s been alive 8 months and I have over 600 photos of her. I have almost 3000 of Hannah. If only I had a digital camera before Hannah was 2 1/2. I just can’t even imagine how many MORE pictures of her I’d have. After reading a post one day from Heather where she talked about dreading the day she ran out of pictures of Maddie to post…wow. Just wow. Something you just don’t even think about until you read it. After that I kicked it up even more. I try to take pictures of the girls a few days a week. I post them to facebook. I put them ALL in flickr. I email them out to family. I post them here. I put them everywhere I am. God forbid something should ever happen to either one of them…I never want to run out of pictures to post.

Today is October 7. It’s been 6 months since sweet Maddie Spohr became an angel. Back in April it was hard to NOT hear about Maddie. I wasn’t on twitter yet but a lot of my blogging friends were. When I heard about Maddie, my heart broke. Later, I caught up on every single post Heather wrote since the day she lost her baby. I read archived posts about Maddie when she was still alive. I watched video after video and went through Heather’s flickr stream. I couldn’t learn enough about her.  After that I asked y’all to please support other families with babies in the NICU through an organization that is named after sweet Maddie. I have a button on my sidebar for Friends of Maddie. Both my girls were born premature. Granted, I was 36 weeks with both of them but they were both healthy. I can’t imagine having my babies in the NICU. Or not being able to bring them home with me when I left the hospital. Heather had to do that all. And not just once. I read Heather’s blog everyday. She inspires me. She’s finding a way to move on and build a new life with their new baby that’s on the way while still honoring and missing and loving the baby that she lost. I can’t imagine life without my girls. Yet Heather gives me a glimpse of how it’s possible to still breathe after. Painfully breathe but breathe nonetheless. It’s been 6 months that Maddie left the world. 6 months since I first heard her name. I never knew her. I don’t know Heather or Mike personally…but their child has moved me. I hope she moves you too.

i honestly can’t get enough of maddie. i read and re-read all of heather’s posts about her over at the spohrs are multiplying. i’ve been so addicted to their story for months now so when i read yesterday about maddie getting a baby brother or sister early next year, my heart swelled. i know that she’ll be watching from heaven and be the best big sister from up there. i also know that it’s a bittersweet time for heather and mike because they do want another baby and they so wish maddie could be here. the spohrs are on my mind a lot…and now they will be even more as we wait for this new baby to arrive. send prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy for them. congratulations heather and mike!