Last night marked 1 week since my emotional breakdown with Hannah last week. I have to say that although not much improved, I feel like what I said to her sunk in a little. Last night during dinner, AFTER being grounded from our neighbor for her usual sassy mouth, she said to me ” So, you want me to act opposite of how I’ve been acting….like how I act at with BeBe.” (BeBe is The Man’s step dad and pretty much the only person in our family who she listens to and behaves around.) And it was like a lightbulb went on in her head when she said that. I said YES! Exactly. She loves her BeBe very very much and they have a bond that she has with no one else. They play together, laugh together, read together and tell stories together. She adores him. And yet, she never disobeys him. I don’t know if it’s a respect thing or just an admiration thing…who knows. But it was HUGE for her to finally realize how I WANT her to act. So last night, she hugged me, told me she loved me, said sorry for how she’s been and that she’s going to change and be better because…and get this…if she does the right thing then I’m happy which makes HER happy because she won’t be grounded anymore.

I saw this on my way home yesterday from work.

I just knew it was a sign that my evening was going to be good. Hannah left today to go on a weekend trip with her Nana and Bebe and she’s been so excited for it for months. Last night I told her I loved her and that I’d miss her. I meant it. Truthfully I’m welcoming a little break from her because the last week really sucked me dry. But when she gets back on Monday evening we are gonna start this new track together, her and I. And it’s gonna be good.

So this weekend it’ll just be me, The Man and Liv. Poor, sick Livie. She’s still a sicky baby but she’s finally playing again and smiling.

And back to getting into EVERYTHING. She was being mighty quiet in the kitchen and I caught her in the laundry, behind her high chair just sitting there babbling away.

It’s gonna be a good, long weekend, y’all. I can’t wait.

Happy Labor Day!

The good in Hannah shines through just when I need it to. I’m grateful for this because sometimes I have to be reminded that my child IS good and IS sweet and not always the crazed 7 year old I think she is or make her out to be. I went through some old blog posts and found these gems from when she was younger.

4 years old:

me: aw Nettie I love you so much her: I love you too. me: You’re such a beautiful little woman her: *nods* me: You’re my precious little baby her: And you’re a grown up.

5 years old: (on me getting pregnant)

“mama, do you have a baby in your belly yet?”

“nope honey not yet”

“well I hope God puts one in there soon and I hope it’s a girl. If it’s a boy, that won’t be right”

“um, it would be right. whatever God wants to put in there is what’s right. He doesn’t make mistakes”

“but I ordered a girl!”

I remember having these talks with her and I’m so glad I put them here to look back on. We used to lay in bed at night and just talk before we went to bed. I need to start doing that again. I miss how we used to be.

And as promised, a HAPPY Hannah in her dance stuff.

Let’s hope this lasts!

And my poor baby girl…she’s all sicky and yucky. She’s getting better little by little daily but I still hate to see her all mopey and whiney.

She still finds time to be cute though because she can’t help it. I speak the truth.

So my week is going better now and I’m SO thankful for all of your input and ideas. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without this online community that I’m a part of. I’m truly blessed.

Yesterday I picked Hannah up from dance. I got to watch her dance for 15 minutes before she was done. She was smiling and laughing and dancing. I stood there and got sad because she dances so beautifully and it really upsets me that she THINKS she wants to quit. I honestly think she would miss it if she did. When she got out of class I asked her how it went and she told me it was fun and she missed her friends and she was excited to start her solo lessons up next week for competition. I asked her if she still wanted to quit and she blurts out “Yeah, I do.” The kid confuses me. I think SHE’S confused to be honest. In my heart I want her to finish this month and tell me “YES MOM! I wanna keep dancing!” but I have a feeling she’ll change her mind. Guess we’ll see. Either way, she’s dancing for September. When we got home last night I took pictures of her in her little dance outfit. I OF COURSE forgot to bring my camera today to show them to you so that’ll be waiting til tomorrow. But I feel like some progress was made last night. The Man and I had ANOTHER talk with her and reminded her how she’s SUPPOSED to reply to us when we ask her something. We also told her she’ll be grounded from playing with our neighbor if she can’t behave. This, in her world, is the most detrimental thing that could happen to her. We had to go drastic because she is unphased by going to her room or having her DS taken away or taking away TV/movies. But taking away her bff? Bingo. And after that talk? Things were peachy keen. If she raised her voice, we’d just give her a look and she’d say “I’m sorry” and change her tone. I see it’s going to take baby steps but I’m willing to take those baby steps with her to undo years of behavior because I love her. And she really is quite fabulous, diva attitude and all.

Last night was probably one of the most trying nights I’ve ever had as a mother. When I think of my previous hectic or crazy nights they had to do with screaming babies, or puke, or diahrrea or temper tantrums or homework or most NORMAL things that mothers have a hard time with. But last night was different. Last night was mentally taxing for me. I can’t get into much detail about it but to look at my 7 year old and realize she’s NOT a baby anymore and that parts of her that I can’t control might have to do with me not paying attention enough…or not dedicating enough time…or WHATEVER it is that I’m lacking as a mother…well it shattered my heart. And it’s still shattered today. I realized last night that I will never EVER have all the answers. I’ve always known this…but last night I lived it. I cried. I shook. I looked to the ceiling and prayed. I called The Man. I called his mom. I called my neighbor. I called people that I knew would listen and give me good advice. And yet today, while I feel better, I’m still lost. It’s a very hopeless feeling as a mom when you feel like you don’t know how to handle your child or what to tell them or do for them to make things better or change things. And so with a heavy heart I welcome the weekend because I know that weekends bring healing for me. This morning through puffy eyes I looked in the mirror and told myself that it’s Friday…and that even though I just got lotion in my eye and it was burning (and STILL is 6 hours later) today was going to be ok. And this weekend was going to be ok. And Hannah was going to be ok. We all are GOING to be ok. I trust God for direction…I trust my VERY loved family for direction. And when I look at these pictures I took last night I tear up because I took them in the middle of the chaos….after I knew I had to talk to her but before I actually did. See, she got her new glasses yesterday and she was so excited. She’s been asking for the whole 2 weeks it took to get them in when they were coming in.

She was so excited for me to come home from work to show me and actually didn’t fight me to take pictures of her in them because, after all, they “make her look smart.”

“Take a picture of me thinking, Mama!”

Hannah, you ARE smart and you DO think and I know things are going to get better from here on out. I love you.

And so I thank God for Livie because she’s 1 and a 1/2 and my hardest struggle with her is the fact that she doesn’t sleep and makes my house look like a hurricane swept through. I find myself secretly wishing for her to be like 3 so she could be potty trained and talking and able to do more on her own. But not last night. Last night I embraced her age and her innocence and I will continue to.

She’s been loving the phone lately. She picks it up and says “Hello?” and then she’ll talk and laugh and use crazy hand motions and then suddenly say “BYE!” and put the phone on the floor. Then she’ll start the whole process over again. It’s to die for and so freakin cute. I love her.

Last night was definitely a life out of focus night for me. I get used to our routine and even the normal things that throw me off like I said before I can handle. Sure, sleepless nights because of Livie suck but I’m used to it. Fighting with Hannah to write her spelling words sucks but I’m used to it. And then there are hazy, fuzzy, out of focus nights like last night that derail me. I’m grateful for The Man and his family and my babies for picking me up and putting me back on track again.

Hannah started school on Monday. 2nd grade to be exact. I’m still lost as to how it’s been THREE YEARS since she started Pre K.

She’s changed so much.

 I also fear that this is the last year that I’ll be getting the 1st day of school picture of her. I had to fight her to stand there and look happy and let me take her picture. The past 3 years she was totally ok with this and posed so pretty. She grew up so much in the past year and things that were fun or cute to her before are now immature and for babies. Apparently letting your mother take a picture of you in your 1st day of school outfit is NOT cool. And so I took this picture with a heaviness in my heart because next year I’m sure I won’t be getting one. Or if I do I’m sure it’ll be a fake forced smile like this picture. I sometimes wish I could take a stand against my babies growing up. Between Livie turning 18 months and Hannah starting 2nd grade I’m feeling very nostalgic. And yet grateful because Hannah’s growing up to be a gorgeous, intelligent young woman and while I miss her being a baby sometimes, this version of her makes me proud. Sassy attitude and all.