Today would have been my dad’s 58th birthday. Almost 60. Wow. He’s been gone for 2.5 years. It seems like way longer sometimes. When I think about blogging that morning I got the news…that seems like ages ago. I spent an hour this morning trying to find this picture of Hannah and my dad from when she was like 14 months or so. I remembered seeing it this past weekend and I could have sworn I saw it online. After an hour of searching and digging I remembered that I hadn’t seen it online. I saw it in an old photo album at home that I hadn’t seen in years. Then I got totally upset that I didn’t have the picture to post here since that’s why I started looking for it to begin with. Upset that I wanted this picture online because I hadn’t seen it in years. Upset that there will never be pictures of Livie with him. Upset that he made SO many mistakes and created so much distress and anguish in our family. Upset that he was a drunk. Upset that I only have like 3 pictures of us together in my adult life because of the huge rift he created. Upset that I was so young when my bitterness toward him began. Upset that it took him dying for me to realize how much I loved him. Upset that it took him dying to remember many good times we had. Upset that I’m 28 years old and am just now realizing how he truly had an addiction and it wasn’t something that was easy for him to stop….or else he would have. Upset that I’m just now realizing that he wanted to stop…and couldn’t. That he would have traded it all to have his wife, his true love, back…and have his kids back. So he just drank more because that kind of guilt is unbearable. Upset because I’m realizing this way too late. Upset because EVERYONE else that knew him saw how wonderful he was outside of the booze…saw how funny and entertaining he was. I saw these things too. But the drinking? It took it away from me. From my memories. From my concern.

Upset because I miss him.

I used to think that when people said that alcoholism or drug addiction or depression were genetic disorders that were passed on to children…generation after generation….I thought that was ridiculous. Those were things people chose. Those were selfish actions and they chose them. But now…now that I’m finally a grown up…I’m seeing that’s not the case. Who would choose to continue a problem that destroys their whole lives? My dad isn’t alive for me to tell him this. So I’m telling all of you instead.

I forgave my dad years ago. Well, at least I thought I did. But now? Now I truly have.

Happy birthday Dad. We love you.

I blog. It’s what I do when I’m happy, or sad, or anxious. Y’all know this. I blog all my emotions. Right now, my heart is breaking. I told y’all to pray for Layla Grace a few weeks ago. Today, she went to be with Jesus. I know she is no longer hurting and has no more pain.

But I know her family is in dire pain. They are hurting. They will miss their baby.

As I sit here at my desk stuck at work, my heart breaks. I want nothing more than to go home and be with my babies. To kiss them and cuddle them and tell them I love them. It doesn’t seem fair that we can’t instantly just leave our jobs when something like this happens. Why aren’t there ” I need to go home and see my kids” hours like there are sick or vacation hours? There needs to be.

Please pray for the Marsh family. They will need it. I can’t imagine having to bury my child.

Layla Grace, may you enjoy playing with the angels. I never met you. I never held you. And yet, in my mind, I did both those things. I don’t know how it’s possible to love someone you’ve never met or talked to…and yet I do. Rest in peace sweet baby girl.

(taken from Layla’s Flickr Page)

Today Maddie would have been 2 years old. My heart goes out to Heather and Mike everyday….but especially today. As a gift to her on her birthday, I’m sponsoring a NICU support pack. Even if we all just donate a little bit today—what a tremendous impact that will have.

Happy birthday Maddie. Won’t you be her friend?

When I was trying to get pregnant, I joined a website for women that were trying to conceive. I actually mentioned it on here last year. I made a friend on that website. 2 months of friendship later, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. He died last night. The pain that she and her son are going through right now….I just can’t even imagine. I’ve spent some time crying for them…and my heart is just broken for them. You can read her story here.

Like I said yesterday and a few times before- you just don’t know how fragile life is. So, so sad.

so in the midst of all this happiness i couldn’t help but think of my dad. when i called my mom to tell her she was having another grandkid it was like 2nd nature for me to think that i had to call my dad. it’s been almost a year since he’s been gone…and while i rarely called him to just talk, i DID call him when big things happened…such as us being pregnant. and i couldn’t this time. it stung. i still think about my dad every single day. when he was alive i sure didn’t…doesn’t make sense, does it?