Last night was probably one of the most trying nights I’ve ever had as a mother. When I think of my previous hectic or crazy nights they had to do with screaming babies, or puke, or diahrrea or temper tantrums or homework or most NORMAL things that mothers have a hard time with. But last night was different. Last night was mentally taxing for me. I can’t get into much detail about it but to look at my 7 year old and realize she’s NOT a baby anymore and that parts of her that I can’t control might have to do with me not paying attention enough…or not dedicating enough time…or WHATEVER it is that I’m lacking as a mother…well it shattered my heart. And it’s still shattered today. I realized last night that I will never EVER have all the answers. I’ve always known this…but last night I lived it. I cried. I shook. I looked to the ceiling and prayed. I called The Man. I called his mom. I called my neighbor. I called people that I knew would listen and give me good advice. And yet today, while I feel better, I’m still lost. It’s a very hopeless feeling as a mom when you feel like you don’t know how to handle your child or what to tell them or do for them to make things better or change things. And so with a heavy heart I welcome the weekend because I know that weekends bring healing for me. This morning through puffy eyes I looked in the mirror and told myself that it’s Friday…and that even though I just got lotion in my eye and it was burning (and STILL is 6 hours later) today was going to be ok. And this weekend was going to be ok. And Hannah was going to be ok. We all are GOING to be ok. I trust God for direction…I trust my VERY loved family for direction. And when I look at these pictures I took last night I tear up because I took them in the middle of the chaos….after I knew I had to talk to her but before I actually did. See, she got her new glasses yesterday and she was so excited. She’s been asking for the whole 2 weeks it took to get them in when they were coming in.

She was so excited for me to come home from work to show me and actually didn’t fight me to take pictures of her in them because, after all, they “make her look smart.”

“Take a picture of me thinking, Mama!”

Hannah, you ARE smart and you DO think and I know things are going to get better from here on out. I love you.

And so I thank God for Livie because she’s 1 and a 1/2 and my hardest struggle with her is the fact that she doesn’t sleep and makes my house look like a hurricane swept through. I find myself secretly wishing for her to be like 3 so she could be potty trained and talking and able to do more on her own. But not last night. Last night I embraced her age and her innocence and I will continue to.

She’s been loving the phone lately. She picks it up and says “Hello?” and then she’ll talk and laugh and use crazy hand motions and then suddenly say “BYE!” and put the phone on the floor. Then she’ll start the whole process over again. It’s to die for and so freakin cute. I love her.

Last night was definitely a life out of focus night for me. I get used to our routine and even the normal things that throw me off like I said before I can handle. Sure, sleepless nights because of Livie suck but I’m used to it. Fighting with Hannah to write her spelling words sucks but I’m used to it. And then there are hazy, fuzzy, out of focus nights like last night that derail me. I’m grateful for The Man and his family and my babies for picking me up and putting me back on track again.

Lately, thanks to The Man’s awesome mom, we’ve been getting some freetime together. Movies, dinners, vacations,  parties, bars…we’ve done it all in the past month and I LOVE IT. We used to do that stuff a lot when we just had Hannah but throwing Livie into the mix halted our social lives greatly. We’re getting it back now slowly and I forgot how much I missed it! This past weekend we went to a local pub and fell in love with the band that was playing. You must check out The Space Rockers because they ROCKED! They were dressed up in tight spandex with capes and helmets and crazy hair but OMG they were amazing. They played ALL hip hop LIVE and danced on stage and we all just freakin loved them. SO MUCH. I want to be a groupie and follow them all around Texas. For real.

When we first walked in and I heard Ice Ice Baby I was like ok, these guys are cool. When they sang The Cupid Shuffle I fell in love.  Nelly. Flo Rida. Snoop dogg. All my favorite hip hop songs coming from a group of nerdy white guys dressed in crazy outfits…pure genius. We danced our asses off all night long and took silly pictures and pretended like we were 21 all over again.

I love being a mom to my girls. They are what completes me and makes my life whole and fabulous. But every now and then I like to send them off to Nana’s and have a night out with MORE people that I love and make my life fabulous. Most people go out with a group of friends. Not us. We go out with family. The Man’s brother and sister and cousin and their significant others….This is why I always say that most my friends HAVE to be online. I have an amazing life with my family here. I have a handful of close friends I see here that I go out with or do things with outside from my family. But 90% of the time I’m with my family.

And I love it.

When I was a kid, I got along with my sisters. We played for hours and hours. Hide and seek…barbies…talent show…radio show…whatever it was we all played it together. Something happened when we got older. Our personalities started to really develop and all 3 of us became totally different kinds of people. The closeness we had disappeared. Back in those days I was ok with that. I had my own life and I was busy and I had a lot of friends. I didn’t miss being close to my sisters. After I got married and had Hannah that changed. When she was a few years old we knew she needed a sibling. We didn’t want her to be an only child. And then I got to thinking about my relationship with my sisters and how yes, when we were kids we had eachother. But as adults, we didn’t. And we still don’t really. My youngest sister is 7 years younger. We get along but the age gap was always there growing up so we never really bonded and got to know eachother. The middle sister who’s a year and 1/2 younger than me…we’re just SO different and differ on SO many opinions. We argue A LOT. I love them both though. It’s hard to sometimes, but I do. So I’m constantly wishing we were closer. All of us.

For Hannah it started when she told us that she wanted a baby sister and prayed a lot of nights looking up to the sky through a window for a sister. It HAD to be a girl. We got pregnant. And the baby was a girl. Hannah was SO excited. She was going to be a big sister. And she was going to have a little sister. In her world, her dreams had come true.

Shortly after that Livie was born. Words can’t express how proud Hannah was. I will never forget her face while she held Livie.

And that was the start of something between them. Their age difference is 6 years. That’s pretty significant. And yet, they’ve seemed to make it work just fine.

I’ve watched these two together for the past 15 months. I’ve smiled and cried at how they are. Sure, Livie bugs Hannah. She takes her toys and runs off with them and I can hear Hannah yell “LIVIE!!!!” after her. And nothing breaks my heart more than when Hannah goes to pick her up and she squawls and I hear Hannah say “She hates me.” Then I have to remind her that she’s just a baby and she does NOT hate her. She wants to be like her.

I tell her that she’ll spend her life looking up to her and she has to be nice to her…to be an example of what a good sister is so that her baby sis will follow.

And when I tell her that an immediate pang of guilt sweeps across my gut. I’m constantly complaining about my relationship with my sisters. Granted, I’ve put effort in before and I’ve always regretted it. I’ve been shot down…offended…but still. I’m the oldest. I’m THE big sister. If I want there to be a change, I have to do just a little bit more. Over the phone, it’s hard. I get annoyed. I get impatient. We lead different lives and it’s especially difficult with the middle sister as she doesn’t have any kids…isn’t married. Her talking about her latest bar adventure isn’t exactly what I care to hear about as I’m changing a poopy diaper and doing homework with Hannah. Just like she could care less about my busy evenings running back and forth to dance and bath time and bed time. But maybe, just maybe, if I put in the time and effort to care about those things…ONE DAY she’ll care about what I care about. We’ve tried it before. We failed before. I want to try again because I want that for my girls. I want my girls to always get along. I want Hannah to ALWAYS try even when it’s hard. I don’t know if they’ll be alike personality wise or not.  But they will ALWAYS be sisters with a history of good times..with a history of love.

Just like we are.

Number 800. Or at least it seems that way, huh? If you search crappy family member on my sidebar it’ll pull up all the previous posts where I mentioned this person. I just wanted to update y’all and tell you that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Nothing. We went 7 weeks without talking because I finally told this person how I felt about their actions. Instead of wanting to discuss it, they got mad at me, told me I’m too critical (which I am. I can admit that) and hung up on me -we went 7 weeks without talking. After the 7 weeks, I emailed that person and told them that this whole not talking is bull and I want us to get along but I want THEM to realize that they’re at fault too and that the whole not caring about their mother or my kids or their other nieces/nephews is ridiculous. That nothing in this world is worth cutting ties with your nieces/nephews because of a few hang ups you have with their parents. This person is mad at me for something I did IN HIGH SCHOOL. Mad at their mother for things she said/did to her when SHE was in high school. This person is in their late mid 20′s now. I just don’t get how you can go on as an adult and continue to blame people for your fuck ups. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve had some pretty crappy things happen to me in my life and yet I don’t sit here and use those things as an excuse to treat people like shit and do my own thing all the while thinking that I won’t pay the price because everyone owes me. This is how this person thinks. Truly. And it’s sad. Especially when OTHER family members ask me what the hell this person’s problem is and why they’re so mean. I never have an answer because I’m not like that. Anyway, me and that person are talking again but only because of me and an email I sent. That person called me and I thought ok, they get it. They really got what I said in my email. Things are going to be different. I was so happy. WRONG. Every phone call has continued to be totally self centered. That person only calls me STILL to talk about themselves and their life and has yet to ask about my girls or Hubs or heck, even me. The last time we talked before the hang up that person told me that they can’t care about my life because it brings back bad memories of her childhood. I almost laugh at that. I’ve told her a few times that they’re missing out on being a part of these kid’s lives because of their stupid hang ups. I thought that would change after I spelled it out to them. It didn’t. So now I’ve been hitting ignore on my phone when they call. I tell them that I’m tied up and I’ll call later. I am tied up when they call…but I don’t call later either. I have nothing to say to said person. It’s always about them. Always has been. That person truly does NOT care about my life or my kid’s life. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone when it’s always 1 sided? No thanks. Since this person is someone that can’t be avoided and will always be family, I’ve just accepted that they will never change and our relationship will never change. It will always be this way. When they call, I know that it will be about them and I’ll have to decide at that point if I feel like listening to them for 30 minutes or not. That’s just how it’s always going to be. I’ve accepted this. Now I can move on.

My mom doesn’t come up often here on my blog because she lives on the other side of the country and she’s not involved in my everyday life. She’s still in Ohio. I’m in Texas. I usually fly home once or twice a year but it’s NOT enough. I wish I could go home more. I miss my mom a lot when I don’t see her for long stretches. It’s been a year since I went home last. I’m going for Thanksgiving and I can’t wait.

My mom is probably the nicest person on Earth. She got married when she was 20 and had me at 23. 19 months later she had my sister and 5 years after that my baby sister came along. 3 girls. I’ve blogged a few times about my dad and his alcohol addiction. She ended up divorcing him because of it…a  move I favored because I was 15 at the time and sick of his games and drinking. I had had it. I WANTED them to get a divorce. I was happy when they did. My mom busted her ass for years. She was a nurse at a nursing home. She worked 8 hours a day on her feet…drove all over town to take all of us girls where we needed to be for sports or to see our friends. Since my dad’s addiction kept him from working, she was the sole provider for us 3 girls. The school district in Cleveland sucks so she had is all in private school from day 1 til we graduated high school. That’s 13 years for 3 kids. When I was 14 my mom was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis). That’s when her whole life flipped upside down. She didn’t talk much about it with us. I think she tried to be strong and shelter us. But I can only imagine how devastated and lost she was when she realized she had a non curable, debilitating disease while she’s the only one working and a house to pay for and 3 kids to support. I think about how I’d feel about that NOW and I have a great husband…it kills me. I don’t know how my mom did it. I honestly don’t. But she did. People donated money and time. Her father helped us financially when he could. Everyone pulled together for this great woman who was just trying to make it and do right by her kids. Me. Her child. In the past 14 years her disease has become very crippling. She’s been in a wheelchair for about 10 years. She’s not able to work. I moved away. One of my sisters isn’t around much to help her. The other one has a child and is pretty busy herself. It’s just not a good situation for her up there and yet she refuses to move closer to me. I’ve begged her. She’s said no a million times. So I’ve quit asking.

MS has robbed my mom of so much. And yet her faith in God is so strong. If you ask her, she will tell you that MS has been a blessing in disguise because she has gotten so much closer to God because of it and the disease has forced her to have more faith and read her Bible more. Talk about someone who always sees the silver lining.

I admire my mom so much. She’s someone I aspire to be like daily. She’s the epitome of class, strength, and love. 42 days until I see her. I can’t wait.

*I have a button on my sidebar for the MS society. Take time to check out their site and maybe even donate to help find a cure for my mom.