Friday evening I went home with a completely bummed outlook on life. I was still thinking about my dad and even though I told myself that Dad wouldn’t want me to bum around or sulk, I just couldn’t shake it. So I did what I normally do when I feel that way. I took pictures of my girls. And it’s like they knew that their mama needed to be lifted up because everything they did was so cute and whenever I need to focus or redirect I just have to look through my lens. A different view on what’s already in front of me.

Livie has this tendency to get into EVERYTHING she’s not supposed to get into. Usually I’m chasing after her telling her no but that night I decided I’d get it documented to show her that she really was quite a little spazz.

Trying to steal the remote.

Trying to reach my purse

ALMOST getting my purse which by the way I only noticed while I was editing because my focus was on Hannah in HER own purse and then I saw Livie’s little hand on the bottom of the frame. Stinker.

And while I worked out Livie got super antsy and crabby and Hannah decided to step in and be a mama to her. So in the middle of my work out I just walked away and got a picture because I couldn’t let the moment go by.

So that was my Friday and by the end of the night I was feeling ok again. My girls, once again, healed me.

And since I mentioned working out, I will say that I’ve officially lost 15 pounds so far. I’m halfway to my goal weight and I feel great.

Saturday morning I woke up and forgot it was my birthday for about 5 minutes. We just laid in bed and talked to Livie and groaned that it was too early to be up like we do every Saturday. And like every other Saturday I grabbed my phone off the dresser and checked my email. I had 27 unread emails and I thought to myself “What the heck? How do I have that many unreads?” and once I opened up my email and saw they were all Facebook messages alerting me that my friends and family were leaving me birthday messages…that’s when I said out loud “Oh yeah! It’s my birthday!” I got over 50 happy birthday messages on Facebook and about 20 on Twitter. I can’t stress enough the good those did me. The Man worked all day Saturday and I ran errands and fought with the girls who didn’t want to behave AT ALL while we were in stores. It was hot and I was sweaty going in and out of places and I finally called The Man at work with an exhausted sigh and whined that my day went from fabulous to sucking. Then he said he was coming home in an hour and that perked me up. We had plans to go to dinner and a movie later on so I put my best face on and headed home from the parking lot of Target where I had a minor breakdown. And like the night before, I took picture because I needed a pick me up. And it worked.

Dinner was good. The movie, Inception, was great. And yesterday we slept in because the girls were gone and ran more errands and relaxed before our family pictures in the evening. Hannah wouldn’t let me get a picture of her all dressed up but the baby did, per usual.

I can’t wait to get these pictures back. Livie was a mess and did not cooperate at all and it was 95 degrees and my hair was huge and frizzy and we were sweaty BUT I still think they’re gonna be awesome. I can’t wait to see them. And on our way home from the session I was thankful that I had the opportunity to get the camera that I always wanted with the lens I always wanted to get good pictures of my girls on my own because there are times, like at that session, where Livie won’t smile and Hannah complains about the mosquitos while sweat is dripping down her nose. It’s then that I’m glad I get good shots at home because my baby girl usually is all smiles.

And all of this, everything I put up in this post, healed me. And I know that is something my dad would be happy about.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I won’t be blogging tomorrow. I usually do blog on my birthday but I think this year I’m gonna take a break from it. Every year for the past 3 years my birthday has been bittersweet. I’ve always loved my birthday. I think celebrating birthdays is so awesome. A lot of people don’t like to make big deals out of their birthdays and I’ve never been able to understand that. You should celebrate. It’s another year you’ve been alive and another year you’ve added to your story. It’s not always been an easy life for me and yet, each year, I was always excited for my birthday. 3 years ago I was excited for it too. Except that when I woke up that morning, I had no idea that 3 hours later I would get a phone call that my dad had died suddenly in surgery. It was such a blow and I was in denial about it for weeks. I drove home to Ohio. I went to his funeral. I buried my dad. Then I got angry for a while thinking about everything I missed out on because of his mistakes. Then I got sad. And I blogged this on his birthday a few months ago. And since then I’ve dreaded tomorrow. Except I was fine all week long. I was actually excited for my birthday. My girls were being so cute at home…being so sweet to eachother and making me feel so full of love…full of life.

I got to work this morning and the girls at work “decorated” for my big day, Justin  Bieber style. Total gag as I don’t like Justin Bieber. I mean, I don’t NOT like him but I’m not a crazed fan or anything like they portrayed me to be.

So I laughed and cut up and got excited again for tomorrow.

Until I opened up this blog to start writing. I planned on writing about how sweet Hannah was to let Livie lay on her and fall asleep and how sweet Livie was to even WANT to go cuddle with Hannah. Hannah was so proud and told me she’d get her to sleep every night if Livie would let her. I sat here and planned to focus on that so I wouldn’t have to think about what I’ve not thought about all week…..

My dad.

But I couldn’t help it. I sat here staring at the screen and thinking about my dad. I read this post and teared up. So I began my yearly tradition since he died of finding pictures to post here and then I got upset again because I have like 5. I know I have some from when I was a kid but recent ones since my wedding…5. That makes me wanna curl up in a ball and cry all day long. I’m so mad at myself for not realizing sooner that he was sick and while he chose drinking, he didn’t choose to hurt me the way he did. He tried…REALLY tried with me and I turned him away. I wrote long letters to him telling him he was a horrible dad. I was mean to him when he called me and told him to quit drinking if he wanted to talk to me. Now he’s gone and I’m left feeling this with no dad to say sorry to. GOSH. I hate this all. The yearly repetition of feeling this way. And I feel like it’s going to get worse before it gets better…before I feel at peace about it.

So, yes, tomorrow is my birthday. And I’ll celebrate with my family because they love me and I’m grateful for another year here on this earth. But at night, when it’s just me and my thoughts, I’ll cry. Because I miss my dad.

And he doesn’t know.

This weekend was great. So great I fought a hangover all day yesterday. HAH. Hubs and I had a lot of fun on our weekend away. We missed our babies but we didn’t realize how much we missed eachother until we got out there. It was perfect timing and just a lot of fun. I took this awesome picture of The Alamo when we were out there (San Antonio)….

I love it.

Before we left for our little trip, we threw Hubs’ grandma a surprise party for her 75th birthday. She lives in Ohio but she’s here visiting for 2 months and if you know my family, you know that we will throw a party for every birthday–really, for anything. HAH. I loved the decorations and the cake though.

Livie loved it too

By the way, remember when I said she’d be walking soon? Scratch that. This girl is NEVER going to walk. Pulling up and walking across furniture is apparently good enough for her. I’m not gonna rush it though. The faster she walks…the faster she grows up. And we all know how I feel about my girls’ growing up lately.

So after all the emotional craziness of Friday I had to settle down and focus on my baby girl’s party. A lot of people were coming and a lot of preparations had to be made. I left work early on Friday and got busy. 

First I decided to take some pictures of Livie on her actual birthday and before her party. I originally wanted to do these outside but it was so cold and wet so we did them inside. She would NOT sit still or pose for me so this is the best one I got. To be continued with this because I’m determined to get some of her outside with this tutu on. It’s just too cute to NOT, right?

It was finally Saturday morning…the day of her big party. It wasn’t looking too hot for her apparently at the start.

But then she noticed her dress.

Then she was ready to party.

Big sister Hannah…ALSO ready to party.

(every pose Hannah does is dance related. It still baffles me as to why she actually wants to quit but that’s another post for another day.)

Time to head to Nana’s house to get this party started! We had to set the cakes out.

Livie played while we did all this.

I figured I better get a picture with her before the craziness.

Then it was time to open presents!

Then we sang happy birthday to my not so tiny baby.

After that, it was time for her favorite part of the day. CAKE TIME!

Everything went so well. Livie was so happy and loved her party. It was full of great memories

Dear Nimmie,

As I go through my Flickr at all the pictures I have of you (973 total) during your first year of life, I’m amazed at how much you’ve changed. Not so much in your face….your sister takes the cake on that one…but moreso in your expressions, your smile, your eyes, your look. You were born a year ago today at 7:27 pm. You only weighed 5 pounds 13 oz and were only 17.5 inches in length. You were a teeny tiny little peanut, according to the nurse that weighed you right after you came out of me.

And was she ever right. You were the tiniest baby I’ve ever held. You were my baby…the baby that I carried in me for exactly 36 weeks. You were considered a preemie but you never acted like one. You were as healthy as any other full term newborn. My little fighter.

You didn’t let your small size hinder you at all and you started growing so fast.

Before we knew it, you were smiling:

and rolling over and trying to walk:

You were a fashionista at a very early age:

Everyone waited with anticipation for you to arrive, especially your big sister.

Right from the beginning she took on the role as your protector.

She worried about you rolling off the bed or crawling into something you shouldn’t be into. Oh, you’ve had your moments and sometimes she annoys you but in the end, I can already see how much y’all love eachother. You try to read like she does and she tries to dress like you do:

Everyone thought that it was me forcing y’all to dress alike but really, if I ever got an outfit for you specially made, Hannah made sure I got one for her too. I think she likes looking like you since she loves being your big sister. And as much as this might shock you, sometimes you get on her nerves too. Then she has to do things to make up for it.

Livie, we waited for you. We prayed for you to come to us….all 3 of us did. You took 9 months to make it from heaven into my belly and nothing made me happier than knowing I was pregnant with you. The day you were born changed our family forever. You completed us… the 3 of us. You made our little family whole.

The year brought many fun milestones and events. Not only did you learn to smile, sit up and crawl but you also pulled up on furniture and tried to take some steps. You grew FOUR teeth this year. 4 teeth that indeed brought us all a little hell but it was worth it to see that toothless grin change into a grin with pearly whites. You also had lots of first holidays including your first Halloween:

and Christmas:

and even your first beach trip:

I am so excited to watch you grow up. I can’t wait to see what kind of person you’ll be. Will you be sarcastic and witty like your sister and father? Will you be more reserved and inwardly funny like me? Will you be outgoing? Will you be shy? Will your hair stay curly? Will you dance like your sister? Will you be dramatic or will you be logical? Will you be spontaneous? All these things I wonder. And in time, I know they’ll be answered.

Your first birthday has brought so many emotions to the surface for me. The year went by so fast. In a way I want you to stay a baby forever…to stay innocent forever. In other ways, I can’t wait for you to get older…to hear you say words and watch you run and read and write.

Today, the day before your big party, before I have to share your  birthday with everyone else, I will cuddle you and kiss you and whisper in your ear that you’ll always be my baby no matter how old you are.

You are an amazing person already. Only a year old and already have taught me so much. I’ve changed because of you. I’m a better mother, a better person because of you. Thank you for letting me be your mother, Olivia Grace. We thank God for you everyday.

Happy first birthday, baby girl. We love you.